The college football season has gone from being on the distant horizon to almost landing on our front porch, then occupying television in the living room or bedroom until January, likely to the wife’s dismay.
The Florida Gators are facing a pivotal season after last year’s late-season surge, including a Gasparilla Bowl victory, that led to an 8-5 finish. The anticipation around the campus that surrounds “The Swamp” is at an all-time high.
With that in mind, let’s take a peek into the Gators’ football future with some unprecedented and highly unlikely pigskin predictions for the boys in orange and blue.
National championship
After beating the mighty Long Island University Sharks with a 59-yard walk off field goal victory to open the season, the Gators will go undefeated, capture the SEC title then romp to their fourth NCAA National Championship.
Napier Goes Pro
UF Head Coach Billy Napier will collect millions in bonus money then abruptly resign to take control of the NFL’s Cleveland Browns. “I’ve done all I can do at this level,” Napier will explain. “I want to coach players that get paid. Wait a minute. We do that now here. OK, so I want to see a lot of snow and visit the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.”
Asa If
To no one’s surprise, Gator safety Asa Turner, who is entering his seventh season as a college football player, has his eligibility extended another three years so he can enjoy a 10-year college career. As Asa will explain, “The food is free and the N.I.L. money is better than an NFL salary and I’ll be eligible for a pension.” Turner takes the term “Once a Gator, always a Gator” to a new level.
Car Show
The parking lot outside the Athletic Center looks the motorcar area outside the Casino de Monte-Carlo. Almost every player takes their N.I.L. money and buys a Ferrari, McClaren or Bugatti. Asa Turner shows up in a Rolls-Royce or as he calls it a “Big person whip.” Jake from State Farm becomes a team spokesman.
Texas A&M forfeits
After soundly whipping the Texas Longhorns 68-0 at home, Texas A&M forfeits its game with Florida the following weekend. Aggies Coach Mike Elko says Kyle Field can’t be used because it was sprayed for bed bugs.
Florida Man
A number of Gator football players take the Florida Man Challenge on TikTok and suffer a multitude of minor injuries, including python bites, killer bee stings, rodent rash, laundry detergent pod poisoning and ice water overexposure. One player will be found by police stranded at the top of the tallest tree in the state.
Gators Lose Players
The Gators lose 10 players to the Rhodes Scholarship program at the end of the season when the University of Oxford announces the start of its football program.
The Divorce
Alberta Gator will file for divorce from Albert, who was caught on a kiss cam hugging a crocodile during a Coldplay concert.