Not Only Should I be the Next Florida Offensive Coordinator, I Should be the Next Defensive Coordinator Too!
Part 38 in the Long Titles Really Give You Insight into What the Article is About and Give You the Necessary Information to Decide Whether You Want to Continue or Not Series
I should be the next offensive coordinator at Florida. I should also be the next defensive coordinator. I have plenty of college and professional experience. I am exactly what Will Muschamp is looking for and he knows it. I have the track record to back it up and I come cheap. Much cheaper than someone who is currently employed by another program. I am what the Gators need on both sides of the ball. And how do I know this? I play football video games and I watch football movies. So what if I’ve never actually coached in a game with what you might call “real” people.
To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what Boom is looking for. I watched the introductory press conference and I’ve heard everything everyone else has, but overall I don’t know. What I do know is that over my many years of dominating in both NCAA Football and Madden I have become virtually unstoppable. I score at will in any offense, I make timely and correct personnel decisions, I am a defensive mastermind, and most importantly I win. A lot. So much so that it’s almost comical. I’m not really sure what more you could want.
Take the video game version of Florida for instance. The Gators offensive playbook on NCAA Football has been garbage since Urban Meyer took over the real program. The intricacies of the spread never really translated well to the video game world, yet I make it work. I haven’t lost a game in years and I average nearly 60 points per game. John Brantley won the Heisman Trophy in both his junior and senior season. Name one other coach who could have accomplished that!
What sets my offense apart from that of a certain former Florida offensive coordinator and pretty much every candidate that will ever arise is that I take chances. A lot. On first down, I always go deep. It’s not about keeping defenses honest, it’s about scoring quick and then again and again. Always kick your opponent when he’s down. There’s no mercy. In my world, not running up the score is frowned upon. And yes, I run the ball too. What fun is one 1,000-yard rusher when you can have two, or even three? I made Emmanuel Moody relevant. Deonte Thompson never dropped passes when playing for me. My offensive line blocks everything. My kickers never miss, NEVER. And they do all of this without the need for unnecessary things like practice.
On defense, I’m even better. Sacks aplenty. Interceptions at an unequaled pace. Blitz, blitz, blitz. Facing third and eight? Blitz everyone. The opponent punting? All out punt block. Defense isn’t time to sit back and wait. It’s time to punch someone in the gut. Time to use the hit stick. If defensive wins championships than I’m the gold standard. There isn’t a national award my guys don’t win and there isn’t a team that even dares to put up 10 points on me. I truly do bring the BOOM.
Whatever I didn’t learn from video games, football movies were my education. The Program taught me that Halle Berry can make both your running back and fullback practice harder and eventually come together to win the big game. Varsity Blues taught me that when you NEED a score give it to your 400-pound offensive lineman. Friday Night Lights, Any Given Sunday, and a host of others taught me that even though your wide receivers are rarely mentioned by name and have small parts they will still make every tough catch when it matters. And Little Giants taught me that an unknown coach from Canada can bring together a group of afterthoughts to take down the powerhouse.
Really, what else do you need? A guy who didn’t do for Miami what he could have with that talent? Giving a promotion to someone who may be a few years away from still being completely ready? The leader of one of the country’s worst passing attacks? No, you need me. Someone who can start right away, is a GREAT recruiter, knows how to get kids to the NFL, and never loses.