Friday: The Second Most Important Day During College Football Season

Saturday is the big dog. We all know that. In a few weeks, your Saturdays will be filled with games as far as the eye can see. You’ll find yourself watching Ivy League matchups in between ranked games. You’ll watch more commentary-style shows than you ever wish to admit. It will be your favorite day of the week, repeatedly. It will become the day other days bow down to as it holds day supremacy over all the rest.

However, there is one day on which Saturday’s success depends upon. Friday. Early riser or not, this is college football and it’s too important to leave too much until Saturday morning. You have tasks to complete soldier, and leaving them all until the last minute can derail what was shaping up to be a perfectly good day for football. Don’t learn from your mistakes. Just don’t make them in the first place. Before you know it, the college football season will be over, and because of that, you must cherish every Friday and Saturday as if they are the last ones you will ever experience. You think you can do it all in mere hours. But you can’t and next thing you know, your daughter’s knocked up and there’s change missing from the drawer. I’ve seen it a million times.

Use Friday to your advantage. It exists to help you. And so do I. As we enjoy the last few Fridays before the season begins, I’ve come up with a few things you need to know to be ready when September hits. KP already told you how to become a better fan, now I’m making sure you’re ready for Saturdays. Prepare on Friday, because there is too much to do on Saturday to be left with your pants down (unless that’s how you roll, then more power to you).

Beer. Consider beer a staple to a successful college football Saturday. Do NOT drink liquor. I know some of you are reading this now and thinking to yourself “No liquor?!? Okay old man. Maybe you can’t handle your liquor, but I sure as hell can!” Listen up hot shot. No you can’t. First of all, being drunk before the game even starts means you’re an amateur. If you truly love the game, you need to be coherent. Too many Jack and Cokes before noon make this virtually impossible. Friday nights are for the heavy stuff. Saturdays are long and you need to keep your head in the game (or games in most cases). No one, and I mean NO ONE, likes the guy who can barely see straight by halftime. The guy who smells like the carpet in a fraternity room. The guy who “accidentally” breaks stuff. The guy who ends up passed out on a picnic table before three in the afternoon. So on Saturdays, stick to beer cool guy. You’ll thank me for it later when you can actually remember Chris Rainey’s touchdown run or the cute coed you met at the tailgate. You’ll wish you listened to me when you wake up feeling like you got run over by a freight train wondering why it says “Go Vols!” next to the drawing of a penis on your forehead.

And that brings us to the Friday preparation. Consider your environment. If you’re in the South like I am, heavy beer is a bad decision. The guy that brings Guinness to the tailgate thinks he’s better than you. It’s your Bud Light he’ll be begging for when he can’t ingest any more motor oil in the 100 degree heat. If you buy a beer because you think it makes you look cool, it definitely doesn’t. If you truly like the flavor, then good for you. But remember, you won’t be sitting in some hip downtown bar. You’ll likely be out in the sun, wishing you had made better decisions. And even if you do screw up and select some dark and tan as your beverage of choice, deal with it. Drink what you brought. Because I’m not about to help you out solely because you’re a jackass. So, on Friday, while in the BEER aisle (put down the bottle of Beam and slowly back out of the liquor store) go for the easy choice. Don’t get creative.

Food. Food should be easy. There are many choices that are perfectly acceptable here. Burgers, sausages, pizza, sandwiches, and, of course, wings. But while you’re perusing the grocery store on Friday afternoon, again, consider your environment.

First of all, hot dogs are out. This may sound like sacrilege, but, really, how old are you? As soon as you were old enough to light up the grill yourself, hot dogs should’ve been cut from the food roster. If you can honestly say you prefer a hot dog to a sausage, I’ve got a bologna sandwich to shove up your ass. Hot dogs are fine to a point. But this is the big time. It’s sausage or bust (I really don’t like the way that sentence came out).

If I had it my way, wings would always be my first choice. But wings are only good if you’re in a situation that can support it. Restaurant/bar, check. Someone’s house, check. Tailgating, hold on right there Skippy. I’ve made the wings at a tailgate mistake before and it wasn’t pretty. Just like no one likes the guy who could light a bonfire with his breath, no one likes Captain Wing Sauce. Are you five? Then why are your fingers orange (it’s not from the Cheetos dipshit!)? Why are there grease stains on your “Spurrier’s Johnson is bigger than Bowden’s Weinke” shirt? And why does my hand stick to yours every time you give me a high-five because you think that penalty was called on the other team? Wings are a great football food, but unless you’re prepared, you end up looking like you should be wearing a helmet.

Another important wing note: chicken and lots of alcohol (of any kind) don’t mix. Maybe it’s just my stomach, but when mixed with too much beer, the poultry thinks it’s Michael Flatley doing the Riverdance inside me. Bad things occur and I’m not fun to be around. If you’re in for an abnormally heavy drinking day, there are plenty of other foods that go down and stay down. Chicken has its bad moments.

Knowledge. If you’re just a casual fan who’s dropping by the house because that’s where everyone is or stopping by the tailgate for a few minutes because you enjoy the social interaction, then I can deal with you. But if you plan on spending the entire day with those of us dedicated college football enthusiasts (yes, we’re freaks, but we love it), then realize that I’m not your reference guide.

I don’t mind the occasional question from the less-informed. I actually enjoy the fact that I know a lot about the sport and enjoy distributing my own knowledge. But if I have to explain why the team didn’t go for it on fourth-and-15 or even what downs are in the first place, a wine cooler will be hurled in your direction (Wine cooler??? I’m killing two birds with one stone on that one!).

So if you plan on being part of the entire day, truly be part of the entire day. Spend your Friday watching a preview show or two. Pick up a magazine from the grocery store (you can buy it with the money you saved when you got Miller Lite instead of Wild Turkey). Use the internet to your advantage. I don’t expect you to be able to tell me where Jim Barrie played high school ball (damn right I brought out Jim Barrie!), but I do expect you to know who the blue team is. You have all day Friday to learn up. You aren’t working anyway.

There are a number of other things you may need to do on a Friday, but these are the big three. There’s no point in leaving decisions until Saturday morning because even if you think you have the time to get everything done, you don’t. Your mind will be too consumed with first-down markers, and penalty flags, and cheerleaders. Oh, the cheerleaders!