Who’s ever heard of a Gael?

by One-Eyed Willy

Well boys and girls, it’s that time again. Time for us to be glued to our televisions for the next 3 weeks for what inevitably is the best time of the year in college sports. For some of you, I know exactly what you are thinking…women’s gymnastics championships! And although I do love a good midget in a leotard as much as the next guy, I am actually referring to March Madness. A time when men take personal days from work and desert their families for days on end. A time when has-been basketball players come out of their suburbia homes to relieve their glory years (ala Christian Laettner). A time when words like “Cinderella”, “Region”, and “Buzzer Beater” become part of our everyday vocabulary. And if you are anything like me, not only do you have premature gray hair (The Bull Gator says: It’s true!), but you also spent the last three days filling out and refilling out your brackets. Well stop right now, because I have figured out who is going to win this tournament once and for all. And I have done so using the old tried and true way of looking at the things that matter most to a university…its mascot! Now I know I am not the first to fill out my bracket this way, but so what. I wasn’t the first person to ever use the Internet, or to drive a car, or to kill a man with his bare hands, but that hasn’t stopped me for partaking in those events recently. So without further ado…

Round 1: Only the Gators Can Repeat

A mascot is supposed to be a unique symbol that separates one school from another. With this in mind, I have developed a saying: “if your mascots repeat, you must hit the street.” So say goodbye to the following mascots and teams:

• Bulldogs (6 teams): Butler, Drake, Georgia, Gonzaga, Mississippi State, Villanova
• Wildcats (4): Arizona, Davidson, Kansas State, Kentucky
• Golden Eagles (3): Kent State, Marquette, Oral Roberts
• Eagles (3): American, Coppin State, Winthrop
• Bruins (2): Belmont, UCLA
• Cougars (2): BYU, Washington State
• Mountaineers (2): Mount St. Mary’s, West Virginia
• Tigers (2): Clemson, Memphis

I know what you are saying, “This guy is an idiot! Kent State is the Golden Flashes!” Well, this is true – the Golden Flashes part, not the idiot part. But after some research I realized that a Golden Flash is nothing more than a glorified Golden Eagle. Therefore they’re gone.

Some other close calls that I actually let slide were the Cornell Big Red whose mascot is really a bear (same as Baylor). But since their nickname is Big Red and I love that type of gum, I let them have another chance. I also let Georgetown Hoyas. Their mascot is actually a bulldog and I’m not sure why I let that slide, but it’s my game and I can do what I want!

Round 2: Stupid is as Stupid Does

Look, I’m not saying that I am the smartest man in the world because there surely are one or two people out there that have me beat, but I do have a bachelors and a masters degree so I like to believe that I am halfway intelligent. With that said if I have to do extensive research to find out what your mascot is then you have no business being in this tournament. So, those that have “Stumped One-Eyed Willy” must go.

• Boise State Broncos: See UT-Arlington below as apparently a Bronco and a Maverick are roughly the same thing.
• Duke Blue Devils: Named after the Chasseurs Alpins, who were French soldiers that were nicknamed “les Diables Bleus.” No wonder people hate Duke!
• Georgetown Hoyas: I gave them a pass with the whole bulldog thing, but no such luck this time. The Hoyas were given their nickname after a student cheered the Latin phrase “Hoya Saxa” which means “What Rocks.” I’ll tell you what doesn’t rock, that stupid ass nickname.
• San Diego Toreros: It means bullfighter in Spanish. That’s cagar, which means crap in Spanish.
• St. Mary’s Gaels: Named for the Gaelic-speaking Celts of Scotland, Ireland, or Isle of Man. (Side Note: My grandfather was born on the Isle of Man.) (Side Note 2: I said gae.)
• UMBC Retrievers: Everyone loves a good golden retriever – or in this case a Chesapeake Bay retriever – but honestly, they don’t exactly exude fear in your opponents. It does get a little awkward when right before tip-off the entire Retriever squad starts smelling the rear ends of the other team, but once you get through that it’s smooth sailing.
• UT-Arlington Mavericks: I’ll be honest; I had no idea what a Maverick was. Maybe some of you brainiacs do, but I don’t. I thought their mascot should a blow-up version of Mel Gibson that goes around dancing on its anti-Semitic tail, but it turns out a Maverick is actually an unbranded, unfenced steer or horse. So from now on they will be referred to as the Fightin’ Unbranded, Unfenced Steers of UT-Arlington. That has a nice ring to it.
• Vanderbilt Commodores: You may think you know what a Commodore is, but you have no idea. Vanderbilt’s mascot is named for the shipping and rail magnate Mr. Cornelius “Commodore” Vanderbilt. Go ahead and lie and tell me that you knew that. No friggin’ way!
• Western Kentucky Hilltoppers: No one knows what a Hilltopper is. No one. Not even John K. Wikipedia.

I am not really 100% sure what an Aggie or Tar Heel are but I went ahead and left them in there for now just for the fun of it.

Round 3: How Original Would the Alabama Yellowhammers Be?

Well actually, that would be a pretty cool name for a school, but that’s beside the point. If you use your state’s nickname (Alabama is the yellowhammer state) as your school’s nickname than you have absolutely no originality whatsoever and you need to go to the NIT. Wait, the NIT is a very respectable tournament? Well then you need to go to the Emerald Nuts Dot Com Bowl.

• Gone are the Indiana Hoosiers, North Carolina Tar Heels, Oklahoma Sooners, Tennessee Volunteers, and Wisconsin Badgers

Round 4: Birds of a Feather Flock Together

Birds! Seriously, birds! What good are birds? They fly around all day squawking at us, they take massive white craps all over our cars, and they eat dead things on the side of the road. Okay, that last part is kinda cool, but still, SCREW BIRDS!

• So fly away Kansas Jayhawks, Louisville Cardinals, Oregon Ducks, St. Joseph’s Hawks, and Temple Owls

(Side Note: If my poop came out white, I would still leave the house but I would do so with a big bag of crap in my hands at all times because that would be awesome. Think about all the jokes you could play on someone if your poo was white. Seriously, think about it.) (The Bull Gator says: Spell check recognizes poop, but not poo. Who at Microsoft made that decision?)

Round 5: Things That Make You Go “Hmmmmm”

Some things just don’t make sense to me. Like why someone hasn’t invented a u-turn light for automobiles so I don’t have to jam on my brakes when the car in front of me decides to make a u-turn rather than the anticipated left turn. Or the fact that Sienna Miller is actually marrying Rhys Ifans (Google them if you don’t know who they are). These mascots also don’t make sense and therefore, the following schools team must be eliminated from my bracket:

• Arkansas Razorbacks: I am a grown ass man – say hog!
• Austin Peay Governors: Named after Governor Austin Peay who was Tennessee’s governor from 1923 until his death only 4 years later. That’s pretty darn cool for the Peay family but really sucks as a mascot. I mean, you already named the school after him; do you also have to give him the mascot?
• Baylor Bears: Let me get this straight, one of your former players killed a guy and buried his body. I like the competitive nature of the team, but that seems like a bit too much.
• Connecticut Huskies: Your mascot is a dog? That’s it? A dog?
• Miami Hurricanes: Why would you have a mascot that is named after something that periodically ravages your community and causes your citizens so much anguish? Makes no sense to me. Other teams that do this in other sports include: Colorado Avalanche (NHL), San Jose Earthquakes (MLS), Asians Tsunamis (Japanese Baseball League), and Man Eating Mosquitoes African Cricket League).
• Cornell Big Red: A. You’re an Ivy League school. B. You were dumb enough to give yourself a color as a nickname. C. You put the word “big” before the color to make you appear tough. D. It didn’t work.
• Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils: That’s not even a real thing for Christ’s sake!
• Notre Dame Fightin’ Irish: If that’s not the most derogatory mascot in the country than I don’t know what is. I think their sister schools are the University of Miami We Really Did Go to School Here Hispanics, the Harvard University Really Smart Asians, and the University of Trenton Cheap Jews. If you can’t be somewhat politically correct, you’ve gotta go.
• Purdue Boilermakers: I don’t know why but this just seems like a really dumb profession to name your school after. Who really cares if you were all steelworkers in the past? Now, the Purdue Pimps. That would have been cool. Controversial, but still cool.
• Siena Saints: They call themselves the Saints, but their actual mascot is a Saint Bernard. You can’t shorten your mascot name if it becomes something that is totally different. That would be like calling the Indiana Hoosiers the Indiana Hos.
• Stanford Cardinal: Named after a color. It’s not religious at all. It’s a color!
• Texas A&M Aggies: They are the Aggies which is short for agricultural (unoriginal), and their mascot is a dog (unoriginal). Game over.

Round 6: I’m a F’ing Soldier!

We have been there and done that on the whole naming your team after soldiers or fighters. It’s like you are in third grade and someone says, “What do you want your team name to be?” Of course all the kids say “The Warriors” or “The Kamikazes” or something retarded like that (little kids are stupid). Same theory applies with teams in the Washington D.C. area who name themselves after something to do with the government. That’s too easy and doesn’t take enough imagination, so these teams are out of my consideration:

• Cal State-Fullerton Titans, George Mason Patriots, Michigan State Spartans, Portland State Vikings, UNLV Rebels, USC Trojans, and Xavier Musketeers

Round 7: I Hate Cats!

What can I say, I’m a dog guy. I hate cats. They are useless. I am allergic to them and they make my eyes water and make me sneeze. I don’t like watery eyes and sneezing. So say goodbye:

• Pittsburgh Panthers and South Alabama Jaguars

The 2008 National Champion!

Well, we have come down to one team. Have you figured out who it is? It’s those wily Longhorns of the University of Texas. Just so you know the Longhorns are currently at 10-1 odds to win it all. I am betting the house and my kids’ education fund on them. You should too!